Yes, You Can Change People, and You Should

Most people think trying to change others is controlling or pointless. But in close relationships, change isn’t just possible. It’s essential.

Podcast: Download (Duration: 47:26 — 65.8MB)

For years, we’ve been told to let people be. Don’t try to change them. Focus on yourself.

The “let them” theory is comforting, especially when you’ve been hurt or disappointed. But there’s a growing case for something different. Not only can you change the people you love, you must.

This idea came up again in James’s latest podcast conversation with Jaemin Frazer. It’s a follow-up to their earlier episode that sparked unexpected shifts in James’s own thinking and across his community. This time, James and Jaemin tackle one of the most popular messages in self-help: you can’t change others. Turns out, you can. You just need to know how.

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Table of contents:

1. Security gives you the right to speak up
2. Little things are the real problem
3. The rules of change in relationships
4. You train people how to treat you
5. Start with the person you already have

Security gives you the right to speak up

Jaemin’s view is that you earn the right to ask for change only when you’re secure in yourself. If you’re needy or unsure of your value, your requests will come across as desperate or defensive. You won’t have leverage because you won’t be willing to walk away. You’ll just be hoping they’ll change for you out of kindness. That’s not how it works.

Security isn’t arrogance. It’s knowing what you deserve and being able to stand by it without aggression. You’re not trying to dominate. You’re inviting someone to meet you at your level.

Download 10 Quiet Ways to Transform Messy Relationships (and the PDF transcription)

Little things are the real problem

The biggest relationship breakdowns don’t usually come from huge betrayals. They come from the little things. Dishes left in the sink. A raised voice. That offhand comment repeated too many times. Jaemin references a study that says one in three people wake up next to the most annoying person they know. That’s not about who they married. That’s about what’s been allowed to grow between them.

Ignoring small problems because they feel petty is a mistake. Left unaddressed, they become resentment. That’s why clarity matters. You have to be able to say, this bothers me. I need it to change.

The rules of change in relationships

According to Jaemin, there are five elements that make change clean and lasting: security, clarity, integrity, maturity, and authority. Each one builds on the last. You start by knowing who you are, then you get clear on what you want, you act with integrity, you handle the discomfort like an adult, and finally, you assert authority. Not control, but conviction.

That last part is where most people stumble. They try to negotiate before they’ve earned the right. Or they threaten consequences they never follow through on. Real authority says, “This needs to change. If it doesn’t, I cannot continue this way.” That’s not manipulation. That’s love with boundaries.

You train people how to treat you

Whether it’s a partner, child, or colleague, people respond to what you allow. If they behave badly and you let it slide, you’ve just trained them that it’s acceptable. If you’re afraid to speak up because they might leave, that fear will shape the entire relationship.

Jaemin puts it bluntly: “You’ve already trained a person to treat you poorly.”

That’s a hard truth, but it’s also freeing. It means you’re not helpless. You can take responsibility and start shifting the dynamic, one honest conversation at a time.

Start with the person you already have

If your relationship feels messy, don’t assume it means you’re with the wrong person. It may just mean no one has been willing to lead. And if that’s the case, start there. You don’t need permission to initiate change. You need skill, patience, and the willingness to go first.

Clean communication isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. Because when the space between two people is clear, when nothing is hidden or festering, that’s where real connection lives. And that’s something worth fighting for.

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